jessica_bryson

sooooo....we celebrated Winter Solstice! we're still kinda celebrating (not all of us), those crazy pagans! it all makes school more exciting i guess, i mean we like, celebrate every month, day, whatever....one endless party called "Life" OR so they say...

well, now we move towards longer days, GOD, i hope this eye situation straightens out! i KNOW my eyes have turned BLUE! that just sucks 'cause now i have to attend school with the evening class...i hardly see Ethan!

we've been kinda out of sync lately and it's ALL my fault! he comes over early before he goes to school but i'm just so freakin' tired and crabby! i don't know what to tell him, i mean we tried hookin up before my nite classes started but i am usually weirded out once darkness sets in! i see him in the moonlight and my heart aches and i want him...but how i want him is really confusing! i feel like i wanna hold him and then i start thinking about kissing him (hey!) then it happens! all my loving thoughts sorta mutate into some kinda freak fantasy, my mouth waters thinking about the TASTE of his flesh, i hear his heart beat and feel his breath and my stomach starts GROWLING, i dunno if i want to caress his soft skin or tear into it with my extra long, crazy, white teeth!

i want to hold him close but then i want to take him in! OMG!!! his beautiful long neck... it calls to me and as i slide my fingers up around his face pulling him in close to me, it's as though someone else has taken control of my mind, my desires! i say things to him which in turn render him powerless in my arms...it's all i can do to resist "Taking Him"...

OH NO...not taking him the way a human lover takes another,loving embrace, flesh on flesh in flesh becoming one...I SEE, FEEL, TASTE BLOOD! HIS BLOOD...in me, on me, surging through every part of my physical essence and somewhere, in between this horrifically beautiful state, i trick myself into believing that this IS the only way we can ever be together!??

WTF!!! i've read about people like this (not totally) like in the Dahmer kinda way...maybe i'm???

NO! I AM NOT LIKE THAT!!!

i really love Ethan, i do! is it possible to love too much? to feel like ya wanna totally consume, inhale all they are and never breathe again?! just hold them within you until...uugh, here i go again with the death dream...

i'm gonna have to see Mr De Wilde, yes he is my favorite Nostromo teacher and he always has a way of soothing that darkness inside of me.He's kinda HOT, too, with his long white hair and silvery, translucent like skin...like an angelic creature found only in those fantastic worlds of unending dreams...breathe jess, breathe!

HOW LONG MUST I ENDURE THIS EXISTENCE?!!! Please! Please tell me it's not forever! Please!

j

yes, i'm a troll!

i went to E's house last nite/early morn and hung out with him. his dad has a way cool entertainment system set up in his basement...not that i was interested in games or movies, just his cool dark basement. it was comforting to be with E. lately, when i feel all wigged out, i go to him and i feel... well, safe....it's more than that actually. NOOO, not gonna say it! but i will say i'm totally "in like" with him, BIG TIME.

i feel like i can kinda rest when i am in his arms. my stomach was growlin' like all mad dog tho and being with him did make me hungry and my teeth hurt...but not for food. HEY... i would NEVER hurt him!

so, today i skipped school and E will come get me later. we'll grab some sleeping bags and head for the park tonite. whenever we hang at his house, his dad is kinda there, not physically with us but somehow with us...i'm not down with it, sorta freaks me out.

E has a beautiful neck, strong and graceful. mmmm and when i scooch up close to him, his smooth, warm skin against my cool skin.... well, it brings tears to my eyes.... my mouth also gets all watery like and i actually drooled on him...GOD, how embarrassing!!! but then again maybe it's a good thing. i think i was gettin' a bit too close and when that happens, i mean when i look into his eyes, he disappears. not literally disappears but his mind, it becomes my very own and it's as though i think for both of us...does this make sense...? well, it scares me so i don't look into his eyes for very long. not when i'm in this uber freak mode. my crazy head creates very bad pictures...things my other state of being, would never dream of doing to him....

*** URGENT note to self: MUST meet up with Mr. De Wilde!

anyways, E seems to be hip to it, i mean my other me thing. besides, something tells me he's ok with it. he'll be just fine and he is of strong mind/body soooo...

no worries!

Oh yeah on a funny note...Marissa keeps callin' out for her cat...i find it quite humorous. and the *evil* smile crosses my perfect lips once again!

again i am plagued with endless hours of existence. these sleepless nights seem to happen more frequently than not! i stare at the stars looking for answers i cannot find! GOD, THIS, MY LIFE, SUCKS!!!

i ate my dorm mate's cat...THERE, i said it! well, i wrote it but does it really matter???? like no one really reads this stuff anyways. Oskar usually opens the store when i start craving for blood but he didn't answer and his shop was totally bolted....couldn't get in and believe me i tried! probably in Poland...i think he said he was going on vacation or something...i dunno...

how can night be so bright? in my waking dreams i see the white snow everywhere...soft, shimmering, silky hair and cool, iridescent, silvery skin...i dreamt of him, again. i could live in that dream his intoxicating scent of warm tones... earth, pine, rain and grass lure me into his arms. i willingly fall under his loving spell just as Kyrania had done so long ago, i know this is how she must have felt, maybe even more so. his slender gentle, smooth fingers slide up my neck into my hair as he caresses me like a cherished pet and i push my face into his chest...inhale deeply... LOVE! that is all i feel! his aching heart, crying out into the snow, spending the last bit of his compassion just to keep me a moment more. and as i lay my cheek to his chest i hear a familiar soft voice and like spring's first kiss, which rouses a sleeping bud into bloom, my spirit awakens! i know he has love in his heart, Kyrania is there...i know.

but just as i begin to feel safe, sheltered from the madness i call life...a cold biting wind, your breath laced with the scent of ice, steel, fear and death rip me from my sanctioned, much deserved state of trance! the comfort you give, you dare strip away?! is this false love...? what can i feel? how do i know what to believe?

i curse you Szandor! i curse you for bringing me close to her, close to you...together and then you tear us apart...leaving me alone, cold and exposed! where is the loving embrace now?! what is it you want from me...from her?! leave her alone! i will tell her, though i am sure she already knows. and one day i will kill...never mind...

tell me how one can love and hate equally within the same heart, same spirit? you seem to have mastered it! teach me so i might end this confusion and suffering!

and so i lay here, awake for another day or two or perhaps endlessly this time, staring again at the stars...maybe they, along with the moon and the heavens, can sooth my state of being on this cold, cold evening.

or maybe i'll just hafta eat another poor soul's pet!

Well, we had a huge Summer Solstice celebration at the school. It was way cool and like nothing I have ever experienced! We acknowledged and honored the Lord of Light (Solar Lord in the old days), invoking him to "put to flight the powers of darkness" (I love darkness, spent most of my life there) and bring fertility and abundance back to the land and the people...ok, I kinda get it.

This celebration was a joyous celebration, but at the very height of the Sun's power we also encountered the truth that whatsoever rises must also fall and so from this high point in the solar cycle, the days will begin to grow shorter and the nights longer. So it does make sense...

Ethan and I participated in the music, dancing and story telling (he tells great stories) 'cause they are all part of the Solstice celebrations. Before we celebrated we chanted some strange and beautiful prayers while walking around the bonfire. The herbs we gather on the eve of Summer Solstice are most often used for medicinal purposes (Hmmm...that's why I have to go to China Town to get my medicine). Other weird plants and berries were used for rites and divination. St. John's Wort (my mom uses this like all the time in her tea), Elderberries, Yarrow and Vervain were a few that we used the other night.

We cut a few Hazel branches on Solstice eve and used them look for gold, water, and precious jewels (I found some pretty radical stones!). In order for all this craziness to work we had to cut the branches between 12 and 1:00 am.

It was a very, VERY late nite and I felt sooo connected to Ethan, a feeling like I never felt before. I think something is growin' inside of me like a force which my little body can no longer contain! I hope I don't explode...I'm a freak!

Ethan held my hand almost all night...Oooo, could I be totally into him????

I saw something in the smoke of the bonfire but told no one...I think it ws my mom and dad? The dude had dark hair though...as usual I am confused...

Well, just had to share the fun! I do look forward to the Winter Solstice...I love the snow! December 21, 2012 should be very exciting...hmmm, I wonder how the world will change, gosh, so many predictions!

I'll just follow my heart!

j

ethan hugs me everyday and sometimes i even hug him back.

crocus, iris and spring ephemerals smile up at us as ethan and i sit in our beautiful garden of life!

life is good......today.

I pass from one time into the other, yet am between one time and another. I completely shed winter's sleep. As a time of passing, transition, it is powerful - a time of balance - equal day and equal night - so a time of magic. I am poised between being bound, and the movement of Spring. Bound like a sleeping beauty who is released by love's kiss into the violent passion of Spring. Bound as in the cosmic bud, which exploded when the cosmos burst into bloom. Explosive moment of creation - moving dynamically chaotically.

I started my herb garden yesterday. It is beautiful! Ethan helped plant some more flowers today. I couldn't help feeling so close to him. As our bare hands moved through the dirt it was as if we were one, connected in both body and spirit by Mother Earth. When I looked into his eyes i could see the whole universe, me at the center. this has been my favorite school project so far. i am getting used to this place. i absolutely LUV New York! such diversity...a multitude of worlds, many interesting people and cultures. Ethan and I are gonna go to the Metropolitan Museum of Art! I am sooo psyched!

Ms Lewknor said our garden was beautiful and that it reflected both mine and ethan's souls. I'm not sure what she meant but we did have fun picking out all the cool stuff to plant. it was strange, we split up at the garden center (it was a weird and interesting place, half of it was underground, like a cave) and when we hooked up at the register we had gathered the same things! I couldn't believe it! The one thing i didn't get was Jasper ( a stone). Ethan bought one and gave it to me on the way back to the school. It is so pretty!

Well. i hope everyone has a great spring! this is like one of my favorite times of the year...that's not really fair cause i love all of the seasons...but you know how it is.

Oh! I didn't do so hot on my Moon Lore quiz. Ms Lewknor talked to the Headmaster and they decided to have Ethan tutor me in some of my classes. i must admit, i'm not really giving it my all. to tell ya the truth, i feel like watching the trees, flowers, clouds and animals...i just feel like daydreaming...all the time!

on a superficial note, i trimmed my hair. the white streak is still there. i am getting used to it...actually, it's kinda cool.

oh man! the pain in my chest is horrible...it's that time again! i figured i would try using an air tight container for all my ...uuugh...munchies. i think it really doesn't work 'cause i can still kinda smell the gross food! all my senses are becoming stronger and it freakin sucks! the idiots in my dorm, i know, i keep bitchin' about them...forget it...

i can't figure out why the hell i need to know the names of the full moons that occur during the year...all i know is that recently, when i have to study in ms lewknors class, i get real sick like and my chest starts hurting! i thought i was gonna die today and i found myself begging for my life! wtf??? i usually feel like i wanna die! i have noticed that when i start going into this weird, psycho morph mode, mr de wilde shows up and i feel better. the full moon lessons must have pushed me over the edge today...the seed moon??? well, at least i like gardens. ms lewknor gave me a piece of earth from the school's garden and now i can start planting! i was happy, really, i was but every time i tried to get into it i felt awful!

i dreamt of the beautiful man...i feel as though it's szandor. oh man if what i feel is true then i cannot tell kyrania...omg, she'll freak out, maybe even get jealous! i blocked kyrania from my dreams before and i'll hafta do it again cause she'll see it in my thoughts! so much work! i hope there's peace in death...not that i'm cuttin out of this life ...yet...but if it gets too hard, well, yeah right, anyways...

Oh, I have to kick up the writing skillz...i got a D on my English test, bummer, mom is is going to be pissed at me. Life sucks! I'll revisit my death wish.

Ethan??? He has not been bothering me. I kind of feel relieved but i'm also...sad then again that seems to be my normal state of being.

Well, gotta go study Moon lore. I do look forward to the second Black Moon, lots of power during that time, power i could definitely use!

oh man! it's been like a month since i last posted! i feel as though i've been away for years. ethan and i have been spending lots of time together i think he's my best friend. it snowed the other night...oh it was beautiful and the park...like a million stars had fallen from the heavens blanketing the awe inspiring earth with such luminosity. it was like a dream!

i still can't talk to ethan about all the weird stuff that's happening to me, i know he'll freak out, i mean, i would...i am!

Oskar, the butcher is really quite cool. he thinks my mom is making some kinda weird soup called Czarnina with all the blood i keep buying. he said it was unusual to use pig blood though cause the recipe calls for goose blood. i didn't understand and i don't want to tell him too much, i might screw up and then someone would find out i was different...very different. but i was thinking, maybe i'm not different, if other people eat blood soup that means i'm not alone!

anyway, ethan thinks i'm just having a tough time adjusting to the whole weird school and these teachers...i NEVER had such interesting classes. i actually feel some kind of strange comfort...sometimes.

Mr. De Wild knew some how that i wasn't feeling too great so he told me to visit Ms. Lewknor. she gave me a prescription and told me to go to Mee Lun's to have it filled and follow the directions carefully. i do feel better, this change thing happens at freakish times and i can't pin point it.

my hair on the other hand is starting to grow really long and the streak is really white! i think i'm starting to like it, but i'm not totally sure, i keep wearing hats to school.

i saw kyrania...i wish i could stay with her in that garden...i feel...whatever...

i also saw, in my dream, the beautiful man kyrania told me about...i saw him in my heart...is that bizarre or what?! i cant explain it...

i'm kinda new to this school and at first it was all strange, but i thought it was cause it was the new school thing...new people, new friends (yeah, as if) new teachers and all that! but this place get weirder and weirder...i don't ever remember having classes like this before! in ms lewknor's class we started speaking a new language...well actually we were reading out of a SPELL book??? what's up with that? i remember in my last school, at the after school program, we started playing with a ouija board and the teachers and some parents freaked! what...now we're actually chanting some crazy spell stuff, where the hell am i? mr de wilde is kind of strange, every time i start daydreaming in his class, he somehow redirects my thoughts...now i sound crazy! i didn't think much when he came to my dorm when i was sick, my mom probably has all those teachers looking in on me, god, i think everyone is watching me...yeah, the problem student! i hate labels!

well gotta go read out of that chant book now...get this, there's also some crazy dance type of thing i'm supposed to do when i read out of the book, yeah, sure, like i'm gonna do that! NOT!

oh and by the way, things are great with me and ethan! we went out to eat! i'm such a pig, i even ate his food! he looked so happy. we spent some time at the park, my favorite place! he came back to my dorm and i gave him a kiss! mmmm...i think i luv that guy!

wow! it's finally over and i feel normal...whatever that is.

my nails have grown soooo long and it looks gross! i gotta cut them. i still don't know why my hair has this white streak in it. it just keeps growing, i think i'll dye it. i never dyed my hair before but i remember this girl at my last school, she dyed her hair blond and it looked all fried out. it was so nasty looking and i don't want that to happen to me.

i actually have an appetite again...i am so pissed i threw out all my munchies but the smell was so strong and made me sick. i could smell everything and that is not good, especially when you live in a dorm... with people who don't bathe! my hearing was all messed up, too! i heard the jerks on the other side of the building talking and talking! why do they have to be so freakin loud?! hello...there's other people living here, duh!

well, i'm off to ms lewknor's class, gotta catch up on a lot of missed assignments, though i think mr de wilde came by my dorm while i wasn't feeling well. i think he even stayed with me during the night, it felt like he was just there for comfort...why else would he have come to me? it's all kind of foggy but i'll remember.

i think i'm gonna ask ethan if he wants to get something to eat tonite, though he has been a bit weird since i started classes again. maybe he doesn't like me anymore. god, i hope he still does.

see ya!

i feel horrible today. i heard the flu is going around...but i don't have it. my temperature is dropping, i'm cold but it feels comfortable. i have the worst knots in my stomach like i'm hungry but i don't want to eat...had to throw away all my munchies, the smell makes it all worse. i live a few blocks from the butcher shop but the smell of the blood is so strong. i'm gonna rest a little longer, i feel better in the evening...i'll visit the butcher before he closes tonight.

i had to cut school today...i think i hallucinated that mr. de wilde was in my room while i was resting, i dunno. i've been having trouble with my dreams, i think kyrania tries to call me but i don't want her to know i'm sick...she always seems so worried...i block her from my dreams, didn't even know i could do that.

ethan has been callin me...he's getting on my nerves. i don't know if i can be with him...just not sure of anything anymore.

this blood thing is so sick...i don't know who to tell...i wish i could die...

gosh...i woke up this morning and when i looked into the mirror i noticed a white streak! I'M NOT EVEN OLD! it's not long...'bout an inch and very noticeable on my dark hair.

e should be here any minute...we're going to the zoo (so cute!) and i don't want him to see it! i have so many hats so no problem. it's warm and sunny today...the sun irritates my eyes lately so the cap should help. i'm kinda tired...i've been having trouble sleeping, at least i'm up to date on all my assignments for school!

gotta go...he's here!

like, i was out tonite...nuthin big, just gettin something to eat...i haven't been hungry lately. anyway, i think i saw that freak with the crazy lizard dogs. man, i dunno if i should tell ethan or just forget about it, i don't want to sound like a baby. i didn't feel scared, just creeped out. he tried to say something to me and he reached out his hand. i dropped my drink...NOT COOL! i cant tell anybody but i've been buying pig blood from the butcher. i've been losing my appetite and puking my brains out but the blood...tastes so good. it's gross but i feel better after drinking it. i used to love hamburgers and fries...mmmm mickey dees!

shit...gotta puke...

ever since winter solstice i feel different. i never even really thought about winter solstice before.

e took me to the park on dec 21st. i thought we were just goin for a walk. we hung out on the stone wall and i couldn't believe how quiet it was, i mean in the middle of the city...c'mon how cool is that. oh man! and the stars! i've had a hard time seeing them since i moved here, but tonight it was awesome! so brilliant and beautiful!

ethan said it wasn't quiet at all, he said i wasn't hearing. what the heck??? then he said if i really listened i would hear the earth, trees, wind and all of nature singing, welcoming the new season.

it sounded kinda corny but i pretended to listen...he looked so luminous. his long eylashes resting on his cheek, the cool light of the moon and stars reflected on his skin and in his blonde hair. i'll hold that image of him in my mind forever.

i see the stars now, even from my dorm room and the moon with a hint of bunt umber giving it warmth. And that soft warm glow raidiating from the moon, fading into a light thalo blue before melting into the deep ultra marine of the night sky (A+ in art mr baum???) reminds me there is something bigger out there. i am part of it.

but the song, the song i hear in the soft winter breeze, it's similar to the soothing music i hear when i dream, when i go to the garden...

j

OMG! if i could just sleep forever! i always feel better when i dream of kyrania and that beautiful garden. i just have to know it's real...yeah, as if! that word "real" i'm not even sure what that means.

oh and the attack! i should always keep my guard up, especially going to school in a big city one of the biggest in the whole world! i'm sure those guys would have done nasty things to me if that dark dude didn't show up with his wild creatures! i was afraid but like, it seemed as tho he was trying to help me somehow...i'm not sure...of anything. maybe it was after me...maybe it was gonna..

ethan came just in time. i told him not to follow me but i'm kinda glad he did. there is something about that guy. i think i like him, though i would never tell him. omg...my secret crush! he is cute and strong too! he practically carried me back to the dorm but then again i let him think i was weaker than i actually was. i'll hafta hang out with him some more, i've never had a real friend before....uuuug that word again...REAL!

anyways...my first entry! cool! unfortunately i have tons of homework to do soooo....

ttyl and i'll keep postin' about my weird life!

jessie

e just called me! i should be mad 'cause when i asked how he got my # he said he looked at my phone when i was napping! i'm not mad, i'm not mad! i can't believe he did that...sooooo cute he called to see how i was doing!


happy! happy!

j